Your Horoscopes Are Here—With a Side of #PersonalNews

The moment you were born, your tiny, sticky, baby body was bathed in the distant light of a particular array of planets. The subtle angles, conjunctions, and trines of these planets shined on your freshly minted face and beamed in through your gooey unformed skull to shape your basic inclinations, your personality, and according to some, your destiny. The monthly movement of these planets energetically vibrates in our world and in our bodies, and when astrologers interpret these movements, they are telling us stories about who we are and what might become of us.

But here’s the thing: I can’t read any more stories about who I am. I can’t read any more stories about fate or destiny. I am stuffed to the gills with predictions and plans that depend on a knowable world when so much right now is unknowable. So I’m getting out of the prediction game for now, and taking a different tack.

The theme on Man Repeller this week is “Whatever You Want.” So the captains of the MR ship asked me what it is I want to do and this is what I told them:

I want to be honest. I want to say publicly that I believe that if Man Repeller doesn’t listen and respond to the readers and contributors who felt excluded, discriminated against, unseen, stifled, and fed up, then this platform really has no place in the moment we’re living through.

I don’t want to write horoscopes anymore. I want to make a new space where the focus is less on the energetic pull of distant bodies and more on the possibilities at hand when we respond, create, and connect with the bodies that are right here, on earth.

I want to start a Book Club! But not the kind of stuffy shame circle book club wherein 60 percent of people didn’t read the book because the book was 500 pages and basically just a Jane Austen novel set in Cincinnati. No, for our book club, I will select shorter, experimental novellas, graphic novels, short story collections, etc. that will push us to do the same kind of self-reflection and discovery that we’ve been doing in our time together in the horoscopes. We’re going to play games! We’re going to learn new things together! I want to experiment, and celebrate, and mourn, and play with the readers because you are, and have always been, the funniest, coolest, best part of this Man Repelling internet enclave.

And the Man Repeller team said: Giddy up, cowboy, let’s blow shit up.

So, instead of your regular-degular monthly forecast, I’m waving goodbye to horoscopes with an astrological superlatives page, before we all load up our friend’s pick-up trucks with all our Ikea furniture and get the hell out of Dodge. But you better believe I’m not leaving my horoscopes column without celebrating your sign’s unique gifts, and maybe peppering in some well-intentioned guidance-counselor advice (you already know I’m going to tell you to meditate, so don’t act surprised) that you can freely disregard because, hey, I’m not your real mom!

Think of me instead like an amalgam of Dumbledore/your high school guidance counselor/your drunk but wise auntie/Mr. Feeny/that one teacher you had a crush on but respected too much to masturbate about and I’ll see you on the other side, ponyboys.

P. S. If you stick around to the end of ceremonies, after everyone with a Z in their name has gotten their diploma, I’ll tell you more about my post-grad plans for my future at Man Repeller.


Aries: Most Likely to Already Be the Next Evolution of the Homo Sapien

Aries you are the beginning. Of all the little mushy-faced babies born on earth, heralding a new generation, your mushy face was illuminated by the most fiery baby energy astrologically possible, as Aries is the first sign in the zodiac and the avant garde of all signs. And, let me ask you a question: What do babies do? Correct. The answer is: Whatever the hell they want. That is what babies do. You were born under the sign that signals the charge, the will, the drive to exist. If you have this energy in your Sun or Ascendant sign, you have a lot of raw emotional horsepower under the hood. Aries is a sign that can think on its feet and rally others to their cause. This means that where others might get bogged down in the details, Aries has the energy to leap ahead. Though, when Aries is out of balance this can look like a mad dash and can leave you feeling depleted and unfocused. I know you are on to bigger and better things than this backwater imaginary planet can offer you. So, for what its worth (even though I know you don’t feel the need for advice) I think this might be the ideal moment to change course, to change the way you go about leading. Instead of jumping into action, choose to prioritize taking others with you. While moving slowly may seem antithetical to changing the world, it is the act of reaching out and pooling your gifts with others that will magnify your abilities. This is your access point. This is the place where you can make a different choice and arrive at a new place.

Taurus: Most Likely to Be the Proprietor of a Hidden Oasis of Luxury and Beauty in an Otherwise Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland

Taurus, you are as magnetic as that one miraculous magnet that holds like four takeout menus at once to the fridge. It is an incontrovertible law of the universe that this magnet bears the slogan of a pizza place we’ve never been to or an autoshop we vaguely remember getting our oil changed at. I’m not saying that your inner brilliance is like a random pizza place, I’m saying that, although this magnet may look like any other magnet, it has some inexplicable gravity that holds more of the things of this world firmly in place than seems possible. In human terms, when you are in balance, you are a person that other people want to be around. People are drawn to Taurean energy because Taurus has an innate sense of how to cultivate the beauty, pleasure, comfort, and delight that is possible in the material world. The key to manifesting this gift is in the practice of developing healthy self-worth. In times of stress and imbalance, Taurus can become rigid, putting up walls and blocking out any influences or emotions that might disturb their homeostasis. If we dig down to the roots this resistance to change, we often find a scarcity mindset. And regardless of what that hack who we had teaching economics told you, scarcity is a big fat lie. This belief in lack hides out in the dark corners of our hearts and skitters away from the light. In order to break through into a future you want to live in, that is different and better than our present moment, you must coax that belief into the light and ask: What would my life be like if I believed that no matter what happened, I am capable of adapting, growing, and rising to the occasion? The different choice you can make, Taurus, you perfect miracle, you unlikely oasis in a desert, you first sip of a mojito at sunset, is to allow some of what you’ve been avoiding to enter your heart with the bravery that comes from knowing you already have everything you need to heal yourself.

Gemini: Most Likely to Meditate, Like, Two Times and Achieve Whole-Ass Nirvana

Hi, hello, Gemini, one quick question: What is it like being a megawatt supernova trapped in a rapidly decaying finite skin ship? It is an experience that few who do not share your intellectual and spiritual velocity can understand. Mercury, your ruling planet, influences communication and is tied mythologically to the Greek god Hermes. Hermes is the messenger of the gods. Traditionally, Hermes has no monolithic temples. A gentleman scholar in saddle shoes told me once that instead of temples, people built small shrines called herms to honor this god because he couldn’t be held in place, his power resided in his speed, his adaptability. His brilliance was velocity. Like your mythological buddy Hermes, you are always two steps ahead, flitting from shiny new idea to shiny new idea. When Gemini is stressed out, scared, or just generally out of whack, this energy can manifest as restlessness and anxious dissatisfaction. Because Gemini’s energy swirls in the head and illuminates the mind, it can be a challenge for Gemini to slow down enough to feel their heart and access clarity amidst the lightshow of their mind. The world needs our brilliant Geminati, but we need Geminati that are guided by their hearts. As a meditation teacher, I often find that my Gemini students have the hardest time with silent seated meditation. However, all the Geminis that I’ve worked with that give it the ol’ college try, end up being the most rapidly transformed by this practice. If you’ve let your meditation practice slip to the bottom of your to-do list, or you haven’t yet applied yourself to the practice, try a simple five minutes of Vipassana meditation. If you hate it, please slide into my DMs and vent about it and I will say, its okay Gemini, just keep at it! And then you can do it again tomorrow. How ’bout it? If you let all that internal buzz settle down in you, you will have the clarity you need to make the next right choice toward a future you want to inhabit.

Cancer: Most Likely to Walk Into a Party and Immediately Know Who Needs to Be Told That Their Mother Always Loved Them and She Did the Best She Could, Then, Coach That Person From Breakdown to Breakthrough

Cancer, you sentient hothouse flower, I hope you are taking extra attentive care of yourself right now. The most sensitive and emotional sign in the celestial menagerie, when you are particularly open you feel the emotions of everyone in the room, in the grocery store, in the Uber, everywhere. You, metaphoric crab, have sensory similarities to literal earth crabs. The fiddler crab, for example, has 8000 eyes distributed along their bodies. With these eyes, the see in every direction, taking in sensory information in this hyper-dilated way. This awareness is at once your greatest strength and your greatest challenge. Many Cancers, especially those with Cancer as their rising sign, have learned to tuck their emotions away behind an impenetrable carapace. Ironically, the most tender sign in the zodiac is often characterized by acquaintances as tough or invulnerable. The world teaches many Cancers that their natural gifts are a maladaptation to our society where true vulnerability, compassion, and care are treated as dangerous liabilities. The key to your healing during this time, wherein that toxic worldly message that tenderness is a liability, has rallied evidence behind it, is to challenge the lie that love is finite and must be hoarded. To help you access your courageous heart, try a Metta, or loving kindness meditation. This meditation technique centers you in your wise heart, and then gradually helps to expand the bounds of your love to encompass your larger community. Let me be clear, no astrologer worth their weight in salt would accuse Cancers of lacking love and compassion. This meditation is a technique to practice feeling safe in your ability to love and feel broadly, without losing integrity, without losing yourself. A world full of Cancers who extend their nurturing and generosity without fear of being over-exposed or taken advantage of, is a better world, it is the world we need. Go forth, Cancer, and love yourself and others intrepidly.

Leo: Most Likely to Be the Subject of a Biopic That Becomes a Miniseries Because People Literally Can’t Fit All Their Commentary on Your Life Into 90 Minutes

Leo, you human firefly, you luminous artisanal candle, I want to talk to you about your charisma. Now, I’m sure I’m not the first of your admirers to opine about this foundational Leo trait and I hope you’re not bored of talking about how charming and attractive you are. Oh, you’re not? That’s great, because the thing about charisma that is often lost in the praise that charismatic people receive is the actual secret nature of this quality. From the Greek root of the word kharisma meaning, “special spiritual gift or power divinely conferred, talent from God” we know that the quality of charisma is not something private, stable, and self-centered. We feel that a person is charismatic when that person makes those around them feel illuminated, interesting, vibrant. It is your ability to shine your light on others and awaken them to their own gifts that is your highest power. However, when the ego is unstable or threatened, this gift can become Leo’s downfall. A fearful or insecure Leo can hurt themselves by chasing approval and appreciation, and repeatedly find that no single person or group’s approval and validation will satisfy the need to be seen. Leos, especially those with Leo as their rising sign, can fall into the trap of arrogance, which is simply a misperception of the nature of their inherent gifts. Your light is not a shiny possession to be admired by others. It is instead a mirror intended to distribute and reflect the divine light that emanates from everywhere and every one. In order for you to experience the ease and power of your gifts, you can not attack the ego directly or punish yourself for wanting to be loved. Instead, try to start or reinvigorate a gratitude practice that, over time, will stabilize your awareness of how loved , cherished, and adored you are. It is this security and balance that will allow you to go out into the world and share your light with others in a free and healthy way, because trust me Leo, you have enough to go around.

Virgo: Most Likely to Make a Friend on the First Day of College That Ends Up Being Your Best Friend for Life

Virgirino! My dude! I’m so glad we have this chance to chat before we leave town. I don’t know what we would do without the Virgos in our lives. The most loyal, hard-working, and devotional sign, Virgos have the capacity to be the bedrock of a community. You are the friend that never shies away from difficult emotions You are the friend that bears the weight of your beloveds’ burden with them. You see it through, you stick it out, and you can be depended on. You have a talent for discernment in all things, especially in relationships. You are characteristically hard to get, as trust is never uncomplicated for Virgo. However, once you’re got, the lucky getter has access to a deep well of attentive and devoted love. As we look toward creating the future we want to live in, we will need your foresight, your grace, and your helping hands. These qualities grow with light, nourishment, and a consistent but gentle attention. You know how they say that a watched pot never boils? Well for you, Virgirino, the challenge will be in trusting that the pot will boil if you let it do its thing. You see, the flipside of your gifts is a kind of constrained hyper-vigilance that leaves you feeling depleted and leaves your loved ones feeling criticized. Choose to trust my friend. It is time you turn your powerful attention away from that which you can’t control and toward the things in your life that call to you by name.

Libra: Most Likely to Be the First Person That a White Tiger Chooses, of Its Own Volition, to Cohabitate With

Libra, you tree full of songbirds, you decadent silk sheets, it has been such a pleasure to tarry with you in this space of celestial expansion. When the sun shined on your lil baby face upon your emergence from the flesh cave, you were bathed in star juice from the most romantic region of the sky. This enchanted your life with a natural taste for luxury and a gift for turning everything you touch into a more beautiful, balanced version of itself. Yes, I am confirming that your suspicions were right and all of your exes got hotter and cooler by being with you. However, your gift for putting all things in harmony presents its own set of accompanying difficulties. One of the most significant challenges for your refined soul as it traverses the messy and chaotic world we inhabit is that in the attempt to make things pretty and neat, you may tend to avoid journeying more deeply into the murk. I, as a fellow Libra (sun and rising) share in the common Libra reaction to the prospect of murk and conflict which is basically: ugh, no. But this tendency can leave us Libras superficial, guarded and lacking in the kind of deep connection that comes with fully seeing and being seen by others. As you continue on your journey to becoming the human embodiment of a crystal vase (pronounced, in this case, Vuh-AWS) full of peonies, do not be afraid to dig your toes into the dirt. You are the sign of paradox, duality, and in your highest incarnation, you are the bridge that connects and balances the polar opposites of this world.

Scorpio: Most Likely to Both Join and Start a Cult, but, Like a Fun Sex-Magic Kind Where Everyone Has Free Will and They All Just Choose to Dress the Same and Tantric-Breathe Into Each Others Mouths

Oh boy, Scorpling, am I gonna miss seeing you in class. You brightened all my days with the poetry scrawled on the bathroom wall and the moody mixtapes you gave me. And sure, there was a LOT of D’Angelo, but really is there ever enough D’Angelo on a mixtape (hot take: no.) Scorpio you have the inherent capacity to act as a spiritual guide to those around you. Deeply feeling, passionate, and mysterious there are many in this world full of trifles that just don’t get you. But I hope you wouldn’t have it any other way, because for those who do get you, it is unlikely that they will ever get enough. The world we want to graduate into is a world that doesn’t throw out the mystic and mysterious in the quest for revolution. You encourage all of us to make space for the shadowy sides of ourselves. You teach us how to love the depth. You show us that there is nothing to fear in the dark. Oops, I am getting so hype about you that I think you just recruited me to your as-yet-undefined cult. … Okay, sorry I had to splash cold water on my face, I’m back now. The key for you moving forward is to realize the power that you have! More than any other sign, you have the ability to face the tumultuous undercurrents without drowning. Make a home of yourself, and you will be a refuge for many.

Sagittarius: Most Likely to Drop Off the Face of the Earth and Then Reappear Five Years Later on an Eastern European Cross-Country Skiing Olympic Team

Sag, you ol’ so-and so, you bag of tricks, you tan-legged adventurer! I know that you, more than anyone, are itching to get out of this place and set off on a grand adventure in a far-flung locale. But, if I can have your attention for just a moment longer, I want to tell you how much you contribute everywhere you go. Your optimistic, curious spirit encourages all those around you to seek truth, no matter how far they have to go to get it You’ve earned quite the reputation as a young buck that is wise beyond your years. Sure, you are a bonafide truant that can not be contained by the bounds of an institution, but you made it this far powered on wanderlust and protein shakes, so who am I to tell you to slow down. In fact, my advice is exactly the opposite. The world needs optimism, idealism, and truth seeking adventurers. Just be sure to temper your wandering with time for reflection so that you can let all that explosive knowledge you gain in your explorations settle into the kind of wisdom that heals and soothes. If you do this, I have no doubt that the beautiful world you imagine and believe is possible is within all of our reach. Now get out there scamp, and give ’em hell!

Capricorn: Most Likely to Retire With Five Years Worth of Accumulated Vacation and Sick Days Left Unused

Capricorn, I love seeing your smiling face in the front row of every room, hand ready to be raised at a moments notice. You are the epitome of dedication, discipline, and ambition. The world can put any task in front of you, any challenge, any obstacle, and you will rise to meet it. Your strategy is a combination of interminable self-discipline and perseverance. With a natural gift and affinity for navigating even the most complex systems of rules, expectations, and traditions, there is no end to the list of ways that you can contribute to the world beyond these hallowed halls. The key, you wonderful collection of polished river stones, is in constantly working to expand your field of perception. The thing about the remarkable ambition that is a trademark of your sign, is that it can at times be all-encompassing. The focus that drives you to work harder than anyone around you to achieve your goals, is the same focus which can blind you to the meaning of the journey. Only you can appreciate the struggle, the self-mastery, the joy of pushing yourself to new heights, but if you are not present with the moment to moment experiences in your life, the goal will be only superficially satisfying. It is my duty, as a corny guidance-counselor/auntie/Mr. Feeny to advise you not to miss the forest for the trees. It is your duty as anyone receiving that advice to stick your gum to the underside of my desk. I’m not worried about you Cap, I just hope you remember all us little people when you rule the world.

Aquarius: Most Likely to Make Hella Money From an OnlyFans Account Consisting Entirely of Extended Eye Contact and Personalized Transcendental ASMR Videos

Aquarius, I would bet my left pinky (that’s my good pinky) that wherever you land after you leave this place will be transformed by your presence. I know that we certainly have been. As the astrological water carrier, you have the ability to make new life grow out of soil that the rest of us swore was fallow. You are the most fascinating and fascinated person to be around. When life gives you a Rubik’s Cube, you disassemble it and build a scale replica of the Guggenheim’s atrium. At your heart, you seek freedom for yourself, and for the rest of humanity. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, you might just be an alien. But, alien or not, this world will deal you your share of blows. The world is fucked up, and no one is more painfully aware of this than you. Which is why when you’re hurt or scared, you have a tendency to crave destruction for destruction’s sake. When you lose faith, you might put too much of your energy into tearing everything down, when really, you are exactly who we need to help us see new ways to build a society. As you leave this place, remember who you are. You are a dreamer and a guide. You are the kid who asked why so many times your parents went grey early. Never stop asking why the world is the way it is, never stop pushing the boundaries. We need your gifts now and always.

Pisces: Most Likely to Discover That Reality Is, Actually, Just a Simulation/Robot Dream

You know, when I got into this field, my supervisor (probably Zeuss or God or whatever) told me that I would end up learning more from you guys then you would learn from me, and over my years here, I can say that this statement is the gosh dang truth. As I think about you, Pisces, you disconcertingly psychic sunfish who may or may not be able to tell people how they will one day die, you have taught us all so much. You teach us all by your example, how to adapt to the ever-changing flow of life. As the last sign of the zodiac, you are the celestial gateway between this world, and what lies beyond. You have an innate mastery over adaptation, pouring yourself like water into a vessel, taking the shape of your surroundings. When you fix your gaze on someone, that someone feels truly seen, understood, and appreciated. You help us to release our inhibitions and open ourselves up to experience. You are a model of empathy and forgiveness, and in a world where there is such a profound need for restorative justice, the kind of justice that recognizes everyone’s potential to harm and to heal, we need you to show us the way. However, in order for you to show up during this time when your presence is vital, you must make sure to attend to your boundaries. Because of your grand capacity for empathy and forgiveness, you are more likely than many of the other signs to downplay your strength, to shrink, to allow the world to happen to you. Practice being on your own side, being the advocate you are for everyone else, but on behalf of yourself. Yes, yes, I know you’re probably all like, but what does it mean to advocate on behalf of myself when we are all actually one spiritual unity and anyway none of this is real? But humor me, you vast and boundless shade of cerulean, and treat yourself like a precious gift.


What a wild ride it’s been, you guys. Before I have Green Day play me out, here are some more Book Club teasers for my ride-or-dies:

  1. We’re announcing the inaugural book next week.
  2. We’re going to have our first virtual book club meeting in a few weeks and yes, duh, of course, it is going to be themed, and yes, we’re gonna be turning looks.
  3. I can’t wait to meet you all virtually face-to-face as we learn and play and grow together.
  4. If you’re in for the book club, and want to be the first to know about book number one, sign up riiiiiight here.

The post Your Horoscopes Are Here—With a Side of #PersonalNews appeared first on Man Repeller.

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